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THE SOAP BOX OF E-SAM
The Art of Amtgard Warfare
[05/01/2002] [Chekers]

This is my comprehensive guide on how to become an Amtgard badass. There are many steps and you have to follow them all to the letter or I won't be responsible if some member of Annihilus makes fun of you.

Step One: Forget everything you have ever seen in the movies or learned in your hippie schools of kung-fu fighting. The rules are not the same, the weapons are not the same and the goal is not the same. You are not here to take out your opponent in some flashy, "Hey, look at me, I can twirl" fashion. All you have to do is hit your opponent and not get hit in turn.

Step Two: Swing at and hit your opponent. Sounds simple, eh? Well, it is, really, all you have to do is take that foam-padded stick of yours and connect it to his body. Above all, do not stand there and not swing. You cannot hit him if you do not swing.

Step Three: Do not get hit. Above all do not get hit. If you do get hit then you cannot hit in turn. DO NOT GET HIT!

You have just completed my simple guide to Amtgard combat. This should cover all the basics. If you would like to learn the advanced stuff, please read on.

Step Four: Get some skill. The way to do this is to practice as much as possible. Find the biggest, baddest person on the ditch field and throw yourself at him as much as you can. By 'throw yourself at him' I mean don't stab him in the back; you canít learn anything if he is dead. When you are throwing yourself at him, remember to keep steps 1 through 3 in mind.

Step Five: PUT DOWN THE PVC! You will die if you cannot hit your opponent before he smacks you 1,834 times. My personal favorites are graphite and funnoodle. Iím sure you could make do with some kite spar or whatnot. Speed is the key.

Step Six: Battlefield awareness is critical if you are to survive, not get hit and even do some hitting of your own. Remember to keep an eye on your opponents so you will be able to maneuver yourself into a critical position where you can be positively effective to the general outcome of the current battlefield scenario. So look both ways before you cross the street.

Step Seven: Donít be fat. If you canít run you will be swatted like an overgrown cellulite infested fatty fat fat. If you canít move you canít hit. Maneuverability is the key to survivability. Try exercising, you fat ass. Put down the hamburger and eat a friggen salad for god sakes, I beg you. PlusÖ.. donít be gay. (If any of you know who I am, I am not saying this meaning being gay is a bad thing. I have nothing against gay people. I have many gay friends. I am just saying. Donít be gay.)

Step Eight: Remember to bow down before your gods Chekers and Glenalth. Plus, if you ever meet them on the field, remember to not even bother fighting them for their power is all consuming and you are just a gnat before them, not even worthy of the time it takes to dispatch you. AND ABOVE ALL, DO NOT HIT THEM IN THE CROTCH!

Step Nine: Donít be a pussy. Amtgard is a contact sport. [ That's gay. -- ed. ] You will get hit if you donít follow step three, and I am sure many of you wonít. If you cry like a little bitch every time you get hit, then eventually you will die from a brain hemorrhage caused by being a pussy and getting yelled at a lot for being a pussy.

Step Ten: Follow all of my steps to the letter.

Thank you all for reading my comprehensive guide on how to become an Amtgard badass.

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