AMTGARD'S OPINION CODEX • ALL OPINIONS, ALL THE TIME • AUGUST 24, 2019
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Goblin! Are You Man Enough?
[09/22/2008] [Gideon]

So, I was thinking the other day when the sudden realization struck me: goblin is the ultimate stick jock class for battle games. Here is why I think this...

1: So you want to swing stick...

As a first level goblin you start with eight lives. By the time you get to 6th level, you have fifteen lives. With that many lives, you are sure to get some fighting in no matter how many magic users there may be. At 6th level you get a short sword, up to a medium shield, and two points of armor - which negates the weakness trait quite effectively.

2: Better tourney foo.

The weakness trait makes any wounding shot kill you. If you become deadly on the field as a goblin without armor, you can theoretically become a better fighter in tourney as you will have an extra shot to kill your opponent after they hit your arm or leg.

3: Faster action, less waiting.

With a metric poop ton of lives and only a thirty second death count, you are fighting for the entire time you are on the field. Even if you trade two lives for one against someone on the opposing team, you will outlive them if you are 6th level. Goblin is a class that can test your endurance.

4: Rules? We don't need no stinking rules...

With goblin, stick jocks don't need to learn anything. That’s right; you have no immunities to learn, EVER! If it hurt you, fall over dead. If it doesn’t physically hurt you, chances are you do what ever the caster says. If it is a padded ball, it probably kills you. However, with fifteen lives, who cares? You will come back to life in thirty seconds. You can fight then.

5: Role-Play without thought.

Are you sick of the flurbs hassling you to role play? Goblin is the class for you my friends. ALL goblins are basically stupid, craven, cowards who fight like hell when cornered. Simply do the exact opposite of your instinct as a stick jock until you are "cornered", than slaughter them ruthlessly.

6: Cheap and easy garb.

Goblin is the easiest class to garb up for. You go to your local thrift store and find the most “garb-like” clothing you can. Afterward you do everything you can to stain it and rip it. Only wash it when you yourself can no longer stand the stench. If people complain about the stench look them square in the eye and say to them, “Hey, I thought you wanted me to be in character…”

7: Fun at quests.

That’s right; finally have fun at a quest. You don’t care about relics because all you want to do is ditch. If you become known for playing goblin, you can almost always talk the quest master into letting you and a few buddies of your choice play goblin for the quest even if you have no purpose but to cause hell for the questers. You were going to do that anyway, you might as well do it without pissing the other teams off. That, and nothing beats the look on the questers' faces when they walk around the corner and run into three or four bad-ass goblins.

Goblin truly is the best class to play for any stick jock. The next time some one says that you need to role-play more, go get your smelly-ass garb and make sure to stand up wind as you kill them. They will rue the day they forced you off the ditch line.

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